I'm looking back over my self-therapy writings. A lot of my sadness and heartache came out in poetic form.

I didn't purposely set out to relate and examine my angst in verse, sometimes it just happened.

I wrote this about two months post-relationship and shortly after I became aware of the fact that it didn't have
to be over in his opinion. That made things even harder for me. I've never had to determine to end a relationship
with someone I still love.  If I 'broke up' with a boy, it was because I didn't like him anymore. If he 'broke' up with me, he didn't like me anymore.

I might still love or care for him, but no chance of reconciliation.

When my marriage ended, the love had been long deadened. No conflicting feelings or yearning for that person.

Mostly fear and anxiety regarding the new life to come.

So this has been a whole new experience knowing he isn't good for me and loving him anyway.

I miss you-has to be over.
No fear, no anxiety, I know it's over.
Just sadness and yearning.
The occasional tear.

Thinking of you less and less.
Sometimes an hour or two.
Happy for that.
The occasional smile.

So many things I love about you.
And not for the usual reasons.
I love who you aren't.
I love what you don't.
I love what you won't.
Just can't love what you do and who.

I want you-has to be over.
No touch, no closeness, I know it's over.
Just craving and feeling.
The occasional heat.

Could have you-has to be over.
Can't share, So-I know it's over.
Just mourning and grieving.
And occasional healing.  

Getting better everyday.
It's over.

Yearning never stops.
It's over.

Missing his touch.
Over.

Try to ignore and just go on. Tell myself I'm lucky.
Dodging that bullet!

But once in awhile, just once in awhile.
I'm there in my head.

I breathe him in, my mouth on him, his mouth on me.
So close behind him, so close behind me.
Moving against him, flush from our dance.
He's kneeling over me-stretching my limb, mouth warm and wet.
On my toes, foot, leg.
More sensual, more moving,
Than anything I've known.

Never will be another him for me.

It's been five months without that man. Most days I'm happy. Today the car wouldn't start. Called
AAA. They sent a little boy who knew the basics but not much more. He got me started and I went to
an auto parts store. "It's not your battery, ma'am." Great! Could happen again-who knows. Stopped 
at Staples and bought a computer chair. Tears just came on the way home. I needed to sort through 
my feelings and out came this poem. My daughter read it and said it reminded her of Dr Seuss.

Why am I surprised,
By this sadness and tears?
I've grieved for so many,
For so many years.

I know there are good days,
I know there are bad.
So why the surprise,
That I'm feeling so sad?

I know by heart,
How grief comes and goes.
Some days you feel happy,
Right down to your toes.

Some days you don't think,
You'll be normal again.
But tomorrow will come,
And it eases the pain.

So I'll just cry,
And I'll welcome the tears.
The warm, cleansing rain,
Falling into my ears.

I'll know they're God's taxies,
To cleanse away sorrow.
And when I wake up,
It will be tomorrow.

Be careful what you wish for,
I've always heard it said.
"Don't want a relationship," I murmured,
As I took him to my bed.

Should've told him, "I'm afraid
to love and try to trust."
I didn't really know my heart,
Thought lust would be enough.

I thought there was another,
He was seeing at the start.
Decided I could handle it,
Wouldn't break my heart.

I didn't know that we would be
Together for so long.
The weeks and months turned into years,
Love for him grew strong.

Suddenly I started feeling
Anxious and alone.
Panic and depression,
The cause I thought unknown.

Til I read those words,
That in a moment, changed my life.
She said I didn't know her,
But she was his ex-wife.

He'd called her a few weeks ago,
Told her we were through.
Said that he would pick her up,
In an hour or two.

She stayed the night several times,
Shared our common bed.
Somehow she knew I was still there,
Despite what he had said.

So she wrote and sent the letter,
That cut me to the core.
That hurt my heart and ended us,
We will be no more. 

I talk to myself and I tell me I'm fine.
I just don't listen most of the time.
I know that I know what is best for my heart.
But I can't believe that I want us apart.

I've loved you in silence,
For so many years.
All I have left of you now
Are the tears.

I said to myself,
"Don't you dare trust a man!"
Once again, I ignored me,
And now here I am.

Cleaning up the mess,
I created inside.
Trying to salvage,
What's left of my pride.

Building the walls I tore down even higher,
Cause you turned out to be a cheat and a liar.
I try and I try to teach me some sense,
Just can't be taught-my heart is too dense!

Hope springs eternal, it's hard to tamp down.
"Be careful, don't love him," I say with a frown.
So I plug my ears and don't listen to me,
I guess I'll give up and just let myself be!

On the edge of sorrow and relief.
Somewhere between tears and laughter.
I know it was the answer to my unanswered question.
"How can I leave him when I love him so much?"

It took away my options and calmed my fears.
I didn't have to walk away and 'leave him here'.
Didn't have to 'harden my heart' against the feelings.
Just have to find a way to start the healing.

I loved him and I kinda, sorta thought he loved me.
Even though I knew his past and never could he,
Be faithful to his woman, whether girlfriend or wife.
He's selfish and controlling, and he's been all his life.

So when he walked away and removed all my choices,
He effectively silenced all my inner voices.
That had clamored about, begging to be heard.
The hope for his loved seemed to them absurd.

I'm on the edge of sorrow and feeling such relief.
I'm crying and I'm laughing and dealing with the grief.
I'm happy that he left me, I'm sad he had to go.
I'm glad I didn't have to leave him,
When I love him so.

One step forward,
Ten steps back.
Want to get over,
             get through,
             get better,
             go on,

Stop missing,
Stop caring,
Stop loving,
Stop wanting,
Stop needing,
Stop hurting,
Stop thinking,
Stop crying,
Stop sobbing,
Stop aching,
Stop feeling.

Want to be:
Happy,
Cheerful,
Strong,
Purposeful,
Energetic,
Kind,
Loving>Did I say stop? (only for him)
Caring>Did I say stop? (only for him)
Supportive,
Concerned,
I want to just live my life without him in it.
Without him in my mind,
Without looking everywhere I go.

How?

I saw his face today.
I love his face.
He doesn't deserve my love,
But I love him anyway!

Maybe it will grow my soul,
I've always disdained the "silly women" who love the "evil men".
Always mimicked cattily,
"But I love him."
Why?-he's not worth your love.
Do you think so little of yourself,
To throw you away on him?

Now, they are my sisters in crime.
Succumbing to the crumbs we are thrown.
Unable to walk away from "our love".
Even when we know, deep,
They will never cherish,
They will never change,
They will never care,
They will never love.

We hope,
We yearn,
We cry,
We hurt,
And when it's all over,
We do it again.

Pitiful.......

You softly breathed "I love you" with a sigh.
I know that you were sleeping.
I know you didn't mean to.
I thought I didn't need it,
I thought it didn't matter.
But it caught my breath and it skipped my heart,
And it made me start,
To write this song
Yeah, it caught my breath and it skipped my heart,
And it made me start,
To write this song for you.
 
I memorized the words, over and over,
I wanted to remember when the morning came,
I thought about the words, over and over.
I knew that I might never hear them spoken again.
        Those words I heard you say,
          Those words I thought you said,
            Those words I hope you said,
Cause they caught my breath and they skipped my heart,
And they made me want
To write this song.
Yeah, they caught my breath and they skipped my heart,
And they made me want
To write this song for you.
 
I wish I may, wish I might,
Hear those words I heard tonight.
If I die before I wake, I won't be sad or blue,
I'll remember what you said and send it back to you.
Cause it caught my breath and it skipped my heart,
And it made me love you, too.