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Settling into Spring

5/12/2015

Happy palindrome week! I've never heard of this before. Saw it on Facebook this morning. From May 10 through May 19 the date reads the same forwards and backwards. Trivia, I guess, but I just like it!

Yesterday, storms went through Ohio and did some damage here and there. Unscathed in our area. Today is cooler with no humidity in the air. Sunny, blue skies and beautiful, puffy white clouds.

I'm sitting at the island reading the newspapers from the past 2 weeks. Doing the crosswords, sudokus, and drinking coffee. I opened all the doors and the air is cool and refreshing with sounds of mowing in the distance.

This day is what spring should be. So often it's cold, cold, cold, HOT with no gradual warmup, no edging slowly into summer.

I've been working in my rock garden this morning. It kinda got away from me during my two week stay in New York with the boys. (men) No need for a bandana to keep the sweat off my brow today!

So happy to feel good and enjoy the forget-me-nots, last of the daffodils (LeAnn flowers), lilacs and beginning of the irises. Hostas getting big and tiger lilies soon to bloom. My daughter gave me daffodil bulbs last fall that have pinkish centers in honor of our beloved LeAnn who passed away in November. They're beautiful and a fitting tribute to a lovely woman gone too soon.

Enough rambling; back to reading and puzzling and loving this day!

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Writer's Block

4/7/2015

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Just discovered this musing in the vault from last fall:

"Writer's block...I've never considered myself a writer. I write, sometime. I guess that makes it so.
It could be hours, days, months or years between my need to express. Never really paid attention.
Until now.

I wrote a lot during my recent breakup and 'breakdown'. Shared some with my son and got involved
with this blog.

Spring, summer, early fall; warm and mostly sunny. Bittersweetly happy and bittersweetly sad...musing
intact.

Gloomy, cooler, misty days; SAD anyone? (Seasonal Affective Disorder) Writer's block; cleaning
block; getting dressed block; taking shower block; phone block; happiness block. Never been diagnosed
except by me. I'm sure it's a mild case. Don't want to even imagine a severe case and the attending
debilitation experienced. This minor funk more than enough!

So, I guess I'll write, clean, shower, dress, phone and enjoy when I can and hibernate when I can't.
Winter is around the corner and I do love my cave. Milton will keep me company."
_________
Post Script

Interesting, reading how I felt last October. The winter hibernation had already begun in a way. So glad cold and gloom over now. The winter did indeed affect my writing, my thoughts, my abilities, my productivity and my overall wellbeing.
A lot of hibernating and Milton did keep me company and didn't even mind when I wore sleep pants all day!
I really do need a plan...

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April Fool

4/2/2015

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I think the cold and blue times were the joke, not this lovely spring beginning! It's a new me on this April
Fool's day. The SAD and dark days of winter are gone. The sky is blue with five army (I assume) helicopters
passing over in my air space. The shadows of the large, soaring birds (hawks or buzzards) mixing in.

Every year my mom did something to "fool" us.

One year she made jello in the bottom of paper cups. After it firmed, she poured juice over it and gave us
all drinks. We were very surprised when the "juice" wouldn't come out of the cup. My first of many jello shots!
Who knew?

Bologna used to come from the deli with freezer paper between the slices. Mom made my dad a sandwich
and left the paper between two slices of meat. Harmless but funny to us kids.

I tried to continue the April fool tricks with my children, but never as clever as hers. And yes, I did provide
them with their first jello-shots, too. TRADITION!

Been working a bit outside in my rock garden. Cutting the tall grasses to make way for the new growth.
I read, somewhere, that leaving the grass through the winter creates interesting movement. Maybe so, but
a big mess come spring!

This past season was SAD and March was a sad anniversary time for me, and I knew I'd feel better when it
was all over. I do, but it slightly worries me. Don't want a repeat of these feeling, thoughts, behaviors next
year. Maybe being "forewarned is forearmed." I looked up the meaning of this 'idiom'.

1. If you know something beforehand, you can prepare for it.
2. Knowledge in advance enables one to be prepared.
3. Paying attention to a warning allows you to prepare for trouble.

So... sounds like preparation is the key. My question is; how do I prepare for the possibility (probability) of a
bad reaction to cold and snow and winter and dreariness and sad anniversaries? I need a good plan-a winning
strategy. The great thing is, I have spring, summer and fall to develop my plan and to enjoy the moment-the
many moments!

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Spring: Brighten the Corner

3/19/2015

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It's almost over, this "winter of my discontent." Cloudy but sun peeking out, warming Milton and I by the
glass door. So much SADness (seasonal affective disorder) and bleakness of the heart!
March equinox: Spring. Endings-beginnings. Anniversaries of both the ending of a long marriage
and the ending of a long, strange relationship. But I do not fault March for its endings in my life.
An ending means a beginning starting to form. An ending means new possibilities, new challenges,
new focus. An ending is a choice for growth, a chance to evolve; maybe fly without the encumbrances
of the past.

Most times the endings are not of our choosing, or painfully chosen at best. The beginnings, however,
are ours to experience, to explore, to learn from, to become.

As I draw ever nearer to life's ending than its beginning, I want to make every day count; the happy days,
the sad days, the lazy days and busy times. To be fully aware of my life and all life surrounding.
To "brighten the corner" where I am. I will never make a difference in the 'big picture', but I want
to make small differences daily. I think that's enough for most of us.

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Neighborhood

2/12/2015

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"Let's all go for a walk today, a walk today, a walk today.
Let's all go for a walk today, to see what God has given!

So, Milt and I set out on our (almost) daily walk in the neighborhood.
Brilliant bursts of color
Cloudless deep blue,
A ground hog in the distance,
A jay flying to safety in the tree tops,
A few butterflies,
Many harvest and halloween decorations; pumpkins, gourds, ghosts and goblins,
Leaves floating through the air, giving up their tenuous hold. I'm surprised they held on yesterday. No walk for us in that wind and rain. Hate to admit perhaps a touch of SAD, but out of the gloom today! (Seasonal Affective Disorder)

Milt has been my "wing-dog". Meeting so many neighbors; 4-legged and 2. I've lived here over 8 years-never knew anyone til Milt graced me with his presence.

We got to watch a small house trailer being dismantled and a nice modular brought in; perhaps changing dynamics for a pleasant lady and her 3 dogs and feline friends.

We toured a lovely camper with Simon and his human.
We've chatted with the man fixing up his mom's house and preparing to occupy. (accompanied by a dachshund)
Another, repairing a vending trailer for his new retirement career.
The couple who care for their grandson and a cute little Benji-like doggy.
A big, barky, beautiful dog with a mother-daughter duo.
A small terrier whose owners found and saved my puppy a couple months ago. (a scary story for another day!)

Mr. Rogers said it best. Wish you could all be mine.

Thanks for getting me out of the house, Milton. Let's do it again tomorrow!

*** DLR Editor's Note: Sorry for the delay - this was written in the early fall. I thought that a fun walk around the neighborhood sounded nice, particularly since the temperature and snowflakes are keeping me inside today. ;)

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Hope?

2/2/2015

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I'm angry.
I need to be angry.
That's the step, the stage I've neglected. It can't be forced, hurried, manufactured. It can't be...until it is.

I woke up early this morning thinking about him. Why are some of us eternally hopeful when we've been taught through long and hard experience that hope isn't enough. You would think with the extent of unfaithfulness I uncovered in my marriage, I would never trust or rely on a man again. I've heard the expression, "Where there's life, there's hope." Not being dead yet, hope sneaks in with tentative trust.

I don't want to be a bitter woman and bad-mouth all men, but it's difficult to be kind and not contemptuous when I've been betrayed, trusted again and been betrayed yet again. Some of us over and over.

Hopefully, the higher percentage goes to the faithful, decent men.

There's that "hope" word again. Maybe "where there's hope, there's life".

May our hope never die!

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It's Got to be PERFECT!

1/23/2015

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CRIMSON AND CLOVER-CHRISTMAS IS OVER (Tommy James and the Shondells-1968-69)

It was the winter of '69-oh yeah! We thought we made it up, (weren't we clever) but Wikipedia
says that lots of people thought those were the words.

Sooo, Christmas is over. Time to reflect.

I don't know when I became somewhat obsessed (regretfully passing it on to my progeny) with
"making" the perfect Christmas; the right food; the right treats; the right gifts, evenly distributed;
the right atmosphere; the right decorations. Providing everything for all my loved ones that I
deemed necessary. Always a book, nightwear, and many other "things" that constituted my idea
of must-haves.

I remember years ago, severe migraines occasionally occurring by Christmas day. (To be fair,
I had them at other times as well.) Exhaustion and worry that it all wouldn't be enough for them.
(for me?)

Still, I always loved the Holidays and continued my quest for my own vision of perfection. I re-
member making gifts when money was tight. Spending it all when money was abundant and
everywhere in between.

This year, none of us had the means to be lavish, but did more than we should have anyway.
Why? We know that our love for each other and the time spent together is 'the gift', and all
the gifts in the world would not replace time, happily and lovingly given! Yet still, we want to
'wrap it up' to provide ample evidence in a material way.

We spoke of this and are developing a plan for Christmas 2015 that will hopefully prevent
excess with food and gifts; promote relaxation and quality time together. I'm not sure exactly
how to achieve this goal. How to grow into expressing our love and caring in less monetary
ways? How to give up internal perfection fantasies? How to be reasonable and accept quality
over quantity in our gift-giving. With the exception of a few cherished children in our midst,
we are all adults here! I should be leading this reformation but feel woefully inadequate to
rally the troops.

None of us (except the afore-mentioned children) care about receiving-only giving. So, we
receive our joy by what we give. If, in our opinions, we don't give enough, we aren't going to
receive enough joy. I think this concept may be a baby step in the right direction!
Let's all 'think on these things.'

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MLK - What's in a Holiday?

1/19/2015

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It was a scary time for a young girl in the 60's. We knew that our world could 'blow up' at any time. Air-raid drill in school. Hide under the desk-it'll save you! Bomb shelters for sale that most couldn't afford. Someone could accidentally hit that red button and we'd all go... boom. Such deep-seated fear.

The Bay of Pigs invasion, Cuban Missile Crisis, assassination of JFK, murder of Lee Harvey Oswald, explosion of the Civil Rights Movement. Suddenly, marches and sit-ins and bombs and hippies and peace and free love and hatred and drugs and watching the killing and dying and body-counts and riots on television.

I just wanted it all to stop; to be normal; to be relatively safe. I just wanted to think the world (or at least the country) was good, politicians were honest, war was necessary, our leaders were leading. I just wanted to think boys were dying for a worthy cause-never in vain. I wanted to think right would prevail.

I lived outside of a small town in a rural area. We had no black people in our world until high school; one African-American boy. Most of us liked this kid.

Then Martin Luther King, Jr. was on the scene. I didn't get why he was needed; why he was adding to the unrest flooding the U.S., the world. I had never been exposed to the pervasive prejudice and segregation. Never knew about separate drinking fountains, separate bathrooms, separate schools, back of the bus-rides, all-white colleges, universities, politics, hotels, sports teams, sports venues, armed services, churches, neighborhoods, theaters... every aspect possible was divided. "Separate but equal"? REALLY!

April 4, 1968-Martin Luther King, Jr. gunned down. June 6, 1968, Robert F. Kennedy gunned down. Such sorrow, such confusion, such turmoil and chaos. Such innocence lost.

Many changes for the better; segregation legislated away. Wish hatred and prejudice could be legislated out of our hearts. Equality and justice and love for all.

So, thanks MLK, protestors, marchers, agitators, workers, martyrs, all who could not/would not accept the status quo. I used to fear you. Now I admire you.

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A Contract With Sorrow, a Lifetime of Love

1/17/2015

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Baby Lucy in 2000 with her daddy Peter

Lucy the model (c) Amiee Stubbs Photography 2013

"Taking on a pet is a contract with sorrow." (Carol Anshaw)

14 years-a very long time in a life. From 23 to 37 years of age. A young man-boy. Just starting.
Recently graduated-"in a relationship." A new puppy, so cute and roly-poly and playful! Paws
too large for the recently formed body. Curiously sniffing, licking faces. Learning the rules,
potty-training, chewing toys and bones and maybe a shoe or two. A party to her loved one's
life; happiness, sadness, good times, bad times, painful growth, new living spaces, new
relationships, new careers, new animal friends. But always receiving and giving love.

Her feet match her body now, old and tired. She's watched the changes, the years passing.
Her steps slow and labored, her eyes dim, ears quieter. Done playing; only sleeping, eating,
carried outside for "necessities". Still giving-taking love.

So much joy she's experienced-given. So much hurt she's leaving.

But, even in the face of grief and sorrow, no regrets; to escape the pain would be to miss
the joy, the wonder of her beautiful life.

"Not the least hard thing to bear when they go from us, these quiet friends, is that they carry
away with them so many years of our own lives." (John Galsworthy)

2015: Lucy found her way into her daddies' suitcase at my house a week before her passing, as if to say, "Daddy, don't forget to take me with you, wherever you go." Don't worry, Lulu, your sweet spirit and wonderful memories will be with your daddies forever!

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And So This is Christmas

12/25/2014

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And so this is Christmas...

I love this time. Decorating starts early November. Not with a rush; a couple totes or boxes
a day; setting up the peaceful, softly-lit village; arranging the puffy, cotton snow. A few years
ago, I scored a great cupboard at a yard sale. Last year it became my 'village table'. Perfect!

Over the years, I've added more and more trees around the house. The original hodgepodge
Christmas tree, a purple and silver tree for my bedroom, a giraffe tree, a vacation tree. A tiny tree
I used to set up in my dad's room at the nursing home before he passed. An OSU tree all
scarlet and gray.

Before I was born, my dad made a beautiful side table and it is home to my snowmen. Garland
and wreaths and handmade stockings. Too many (but not too many) decorations all over the
house. A wonderland of lights and sparkle that make me happy!

Making cookies with my kids and their kids. Planning menus. Anticipating the week-long visit
with DLR and Peter-my boys from Brooklyn.

A little sadness in the mix. A year since the "beginning of the end" with that man. Able to look
back with love and relief for the ending. Seeing the growth and increasing peace I've been
blessed with through the struggle.

So grateful to be alive and well and able to celebrate another lovely season of giving and living.

GOD BLESS US EVERYONE!

My daughters and I wish YOU a Merry Christmas:

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<<Previous

Settling into Spring

Writer's Block

April Fool

Spring: Brighten the Corner

Neighborhood

Hope?

It's Got to be PERFECT!

MLK - What's in a Holiday?

A Contract With Sorrow, a Lifetime of Love

And So This is Christmas

My daughters and I wish YOU a Merry Christmas:

Kathy Brooks aka
Mama Lee Rotten

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My daughters and I wish YOU a Merry Christmas:

Kathy Brooks akaMama Lee Rotten

Archives

Categories

Kathy Brooks aka
Mama Lee Rotten