On the edge of sorrow and relief.
Somewhere between tears and laughter.
I know it was the answer to my unanswered question.
"How can I leave him when I love him so much?"

It took away my options and calmed my fears.
I didn't have to walk away and 'leave him here'.
Didn't have to 'harden my heart' against the feelings.
Just have to find a way to start the healing.

I loved him and I kinda, sorta thought he loved me.
Even though I knew his past and never could he,
Be faithful to his woman, whether girlfriend or wife.
He's selfish and controlling, and he's been all his life.

So when he walked away and removed all my choices,
He effectively silenced all my inner voices.
That had clamored about, begging to be heard.
The hope for his loved seemed to them absurd.

I'm on the edge of sorrow and feeling such relief.
I'm crying and I'm laughing and dealing with the grief.
I'm happy that he left me, I'm sad he had to go.
I'm glad I didn't have to leave him,
When I love him so.

As you've probably gathered, I am getting over a relationship. Even through all the angst and sorrow, I will never regret loving this man. He inspired things that I hadn't felt in a very long time. When I would hear his special ringtone, I was excited and nervous, a young girl again. Priceless at my age! I felt love and actual desire, physical feelings long time gone. When I called him, I had butterflies even after 6 years of seeing each other.

He never said, "I love you." I never said the same. I thought, in typical female fashion, that if I loved him, he loved me too. In the beginning, I had hoped I could just have fun and see other people. Not get serious or monogamous. But I come from a mindset and a generation that wouldn't allow me that behavior, that freedom, no matter how much I wished for it.

I had just ended a 37 year marriage due to a bad case of cheating. I met him 2 months after the dissolution (disillusion). He wanted me to go home with him-once again, that overdeveloped conscience interfered. I gave him my number and anxiously waited for his call. Heat for him overwhelming me at times. He never called. I worked and played and lived my life, always with him in it. Almost a year later, I saw him again. He said he had lost my number and he took me home that night. I'd waited a year-no more!  Thus began almost 7 years of waiting for his call, wanting to see him, happiness, sadness, love, lust, feeling once again. 

Much of what I've been writing is an attempt at self-therapy. A sorting out of my jumbled mind and feelings. It's been so therapeutic for me and I hope my musings will strike a chord with others who are hurting and healing.

One step forward,
Ten steps back.
Want to get over,
             get through,
             get better,
             go on,

Stop missing,
Stop caring,
Stop loving,
Stop wanting,
Stop needing,
Stop hurting,
Stop thinking,
Stop crying,
Stop sobbing,
Stop aching,
Stop feeling.

Want to be:
Happy,
Cheerful,
Strong,
Purposeful,
Energetic,
Kind,
Loving>Did I say stop? (only for him)
Caring>Did I say stop? (only for him)
Supportive,
Concerned,
I want to just live my life without him in it.
Without him in my mind,
Without looking everywhere I go.

How?

I saw his face today.
I love his face.
He doesn't deserve my love,
But I love him anyway!

Maybe it will grow my soul,
I've always disdained the "silly women" who love the "evil men".
Always mimicked cattily,
"But I love him."
Why?-he's not worth your love.
Do you think so little of yourself,
To throw you away on him?

Now, they are my sisters in crime.
Succumbing to the crumbs we are thrown.
Unable to walk away from "our love".
Even when we know, deep,
They will never cherish,
They will never change,
They will never care,
They will never love.

We hope,
We yearn,
We cry,
We hurt,
And when it's all over,
We do it again.

Pitiful.......

You softly breathed "I love you" with a sigh.
I know that you were sleeping.
I know you didn't mean to.
I thought I didn't need it,
I thought it didn't matter.
But it caught my breath and it skipped my heart,
And it made me start,
To write this song
Yeah, it caught my breath and it skipped my heart,
And it made me start,
To write this song for you.
 
I memorized the words, over and over,
I wanted to remember when the morning came,
I thought about the words, over and over.
I knew that I might never hear them spoken again.
        Those words I heard you say,
          Those words I thought you said,
            Those words I hope you said,
Cause they caught my breath and they skipped my heart,
And they made me want
To write this song.
Yeah, they caught my breath and they skipped my heart,
And they made me want
To write this song for you.
 
I wish I may, wish I might,
Hear those words I heard tonight.
If I die before I wake, I won't be sad or blue,
I'll remember what you said and send it back to you.
Cause it caught my breath and it skipped my heart,
And it made me love you, too.