Explanation

As you've probably gathered, I am getting over a relationship. Even through all the angst and sorrow, I will never regret loving this man. He inspired things that I hadn't felt in a very long time. When I would hear his special ringtone, I was excited and nervous, a young girl again. Priceless at my age! I felt love and actual desire, physical feelings long time gone. When I called him, I had butterflies even after 6 years of seeing each other.

He never said, "I love you." I never said the same. I thought, in typical female fashion, that if I loved him, he loved me too. In the beginning, I had hoped I could just have fun and see other people. Not get serious or monogamous. But I come from a mindset and a generation that wouldn't allow me that behavior, that freedom, no matter how much I wished for it.

I had just ended a 37 year marriage due to a bad case of cheating. I met him 2 months after the dissolution (disillusion). He wanted me to go home with him-once again, that overdeveloped conscience interfered. I gave him my number and anxiously waited for his call. Heat for him overwhelming me at times. He never called. I worked and played and lived my life, always with him in it. Almost a year later, I saw him again. He said he had lost my number and he took me home that night. I'd waited a year-no more!  Thus began almost 7 years of waiting for his call, wanting to see him, happiness, sadness, love, lust, feeling once again. 

Much of what I've been writing is an attempt at self-therapy. A sorting out of my jumbled mind and feelings. It's been so therapeutic for me and I hope my musings will strike a chord with others who are hurting and healing.