David Lee Rotten
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Good Grief

9/4/2014

5 Comments

 
When did it become unacceptable to mourn or grieve for more than a little while and in more than a quiet way over anything-anyone? Buck-up and go on.

We say, "She's taking it so hard." Why-because she cried? Then we say, "She's holding up so well." Why-because she didn't?

Have you ever seen foreign people on television who've lost a loved one? They scream and cry and get loud and maybe even beat their chest or fall prostrate onto the ground. They don't shed a civilized tear, take a Xanax and go on. They aren't 'holding up'. They aren't quiet and sad and holding it all inside with a brave, noble face. They experience their grief and their pain.

They make a scene.

When my mother died, I did the quiet tears, the 'normal' behaviors, the usual. Until one day I began screaming in my car. I couldn't scream loud enough or long enough. Even though I was alone, I was embarrassed and soon stopped. Never did that again.

It took seven years for the pall death had cast to disappear. I only realized it was a pervasive presence when it was gone. What if I hadn't kept it all in, hadn't 'held up' so well, hadn't masked the sorrow, hidden the grief? Would I have healed more quickly if I hadn't pretended all those years?

Why do we want everyone to get over everything so quickly? We get annoyed and impatient and start withdrawing when someone doesn't just "move on" with their lives after a great loss.

I'm impatient with myself right now because I should just get over that man. I can tell, when I occasionally speak of him, that some others agree. But should our loved ones be that disposable? Should I think that little of a seven year relationship and the one I gave my heart to? Should I disparage my sorrow and my tears because, after all, it's been over five months?

My best friend's son died a little over a year ago. I can't even fathom losing a child! The grief sites she visits say it's worse the second and third years after the loss of a loved one. My first thought was, "People want you to be over it after a year." You feel the withdrawal and lack of response and support. So you don't talk about it. You internalize your grief. You're alone with it.

There's an expression I've heard, "A problem shared is a problem halved." Maybe if it was acceptable to 'share our grief' and keep on sharing, it wouldn't turn inward and grow depression, alienation, introversion and more grief.

I need to listen to my own grief and accept it. I need to listen to others' grief and accept it.

                                                         WE ALL DO.
5 Comments
connie wollenberg
9/4/2014 11:45:17 pm

you always gave me time to grieve. You never once said enough stop caring about a dead man, you gave me comfort and love and patience for as long as it was needed and it still is not gone, but I know you understand and will always listen and care that I hurt thank you forever for being that for me

Reply
Stacy Williams
9/5/2014 10:33:53 am

Beautifully said, both Mom and Connie! Kathy Brooks, my mom, has a way of being there for people and giving them the time they need to be real and talk incessantly, whether in grief or in celebration.

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Ruth Zamora
9/29/2014 03:20:35 am

Connie, I love you. You are right. You never really get over losing your spouse. After all, the two of you were one. You lost part of yourself.

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Jenn (aka Big Sister Rotten)
9/8/2014 02:39:05 am

Mamala- you are a wise and loving source of comfort to those who are blessed to know you! Your words do make it safe to grieve however one will.

Reply
Ruth Z
10/2/2014 01:19:46 am

Kathy, When Mom died, I couldn't make myself go to the farm. Somehow, if I didn't stop in, I could pretend she was still there. Every time I went to town, as I came down the hill, I could see the hospital where she died. I would sob and keep saying, "Oh, Mama, Oh, Mama." I hadn't called her that in years.

Grieve as long as you need to. You will finally will be able to move on.

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    Picture

    Kathy Brooks aka
    Mama Lee Rotten

    I am a writer living in Mt. Vernon, Ohio. I enjoy thrift shopping, working in the garden, singing karaoke and spending time with my children and grandchildren. I have only recently started writing, and one of my poems, "Song 4 You" has already been adapted to music by my son, David Lee Rotten (of Naked Highway), and will be released in early 2015 on his debut solo album/video project Bound.  

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