My character, Granny Tranny, has been coaching winning pageant contestants for 81 years, since coaching his/her older sister in the Little Miss Dust Bowl 1933 pageant. Last year, Granny was one of Granny Tranny's big disappointments, coming in as second runner up.. "Never send a Granny to do a Tranny's job," said our beloved Granny Tranny...
My wig, styled by the amazing ROBIN BAXTER, was actually Granny's grey curly wig from last year, plus another wig used pageant style as a beehive bump-it and spray-painted grey. Robin made those $5 wigs look like a million bucks!
My next look was for the swimwear portion of the pageant. I took the stage in a pink Granny style housedress, only to rip it off to reveal my real swimwear! To make my swimwear, I took a pair of crazy cheapy tights and cut them at the knee. I filled the lower portion of each leg/foot with macaroni and stapled them to a bra, then wore the upper portion of the tights for my bathing suit bottom. I placed a sensible pink leopard shower cap atop my beehive and decked out my walker with a new ensemble to match...
During the second group number, my trusty tits, which have been in the Miss Millennium pageant for 3 years running, made their first unexpected appearance, shaking loose of my costume and bouncing about with wild abandon. Sadly, I haven't found any pics of the girls escaping, but trust that they were absurd and wonderful! And if you were wondering, my boobs are made of two knee-high panty hose, filled with rice and tied together to hang around my neck. As they were a bit too long, I put a knot in the toe area to shorten the dangle, which also ended up giving each breast a grotesque, semi-realistic nipple. I hope that you can imagine the effect of these natty knockers busting loose and saying hello to the crowd...
Well, as Granny Tranny taught a young Vanessa Williams many years ago, if your tits pop out, come back conservative!
My next outfit, for the talent portion of the pageant, was an ultra-conservative suit that I found on super duper ridiculous clearance at Housing Works where I volunteer... This pre-2008 high-end Dana Buchman jacket and skirt set were new with tags and had an original retail price of $870, but somehow had been sitting in the store for many, many months, being marked down to a final purchase price under $20!
Special thanks to my dear friend Billy, my volunteer from the audience, who was a sport and a fabulous pageant queen. I was happy to put a tiara on his head and get my forgetful old ass off of the stage!
The final costume of the evening was my evening gown. Another Housing Works find, this two-toned orange polyester number was new with tags, but this time, it showed a Deb retail tag with an original price of $79.99, marked to $45.99, then $22.99, then $10, then $3. For real. Apparently, at that time, Deb took the loss and donated this beauty to HW, where the price was initially $25, but then someone with a price gun noticed the original tag and $3 price and marked it down. I ended up paying $3 for it. I think it was worth every penny!
As the pageant was winding down, I received my final question: What fashion advice would you give Vanilla Ice. Granny Tranny's response was classic and elegant. "As you all know, I have a lot of excellent advice to help anyone become a pageant queen. I have displayed my talents for you all tonight. But who the hell is Vanilla Ice?"
Well, always the bridesmaid, Granny Tranny was again awarded second runner up this year. I guess ageism is alive and well in the pageant industry! Haha!
As usual, I have a ton of ideas for next year's character... But of course, I won't do anything until a few days before the pageant. It'll be stressful and fabulous and I promise that you won't want to miss it! One thing I'm planning to do is an original song for my character, so I hope that I don't wait until the last minute. I'm sure I'll be a hot mess, and I'm sure that the audience will love it!!!!!!
Thanks to David, Robin, John, Jim, Andre, Jesse, Marcus, Michael, Randy, Matt, Ken, Sean, and the rest of the crew for the awesome together times that we had... Thank you to Sy, Joe & Ro, Peter and everyone who came out to see the show. And a special thanks to Paul Tena for the fabulous pics!!!